gosh you ever get the feeling that your friend isn't telling you the complete truth about what's on their mind. not saying that it really matters but all i'm saying is that if you didn't ask in the first place why do they bother to try to hide or lie to you about things? i dont know. i dont completely understand. on the one end though, i'm just not the type of person who would make something up or deny something. i may try to justify it ahahah which is bad as well but i wouldn't deny it. i dont know im just thinking a little i guess.
but it's been a few days since i've last talked to cfy. do i miss him? yes i do! lol but that doesn't change anything. my feelings aren't going to change what the relationship is.i miss him, not the idea of having a boyfriend but HIM. but there are just certain things that i can't seem to let go of so i'm not going to let myself turn back around. i will not stray away from this path. for now, i guess i'll have to sit in my room and write about how i feel. lol i know he doesn't read my blogs so i'm not too worried. but i do think about things like emails he once sent me while i was away in river falls, wi for work. they were so sweet. he was the perfect guy. everything i could ask for. but he had a hidden personality or i don't know how to explain it, there was something about him that he never revealed to me and i just feel like even though i already trust him with everything a part of me can't trust him. a part knows that he will one day leave me and find another girl. lol funny to say because i'm always threatening to leave him but thats because it helps me avoid thinking that he'll leave me. i take the relationship like a joke a lot of times, well many times. but i still value the lessons i've learned from this relationship and i've truly learned so much. i know no one will ever compare to him and i don't have anything negative to say about him even if he does for me. i truly loved him with everything i had and i expected too much from therefore leading me down a path of disappointment. i know what kind of man i want and i know that now more than anything.
god truly wants me to be in a relationship with myself and him. it's so hard for me. i have no idea where to start or how to start. i'm really afraid that i can't do it. i know i won't like it. but i can't be so quick to say that either because i haven't yet tried it myself. sighs, i'm thinking a lot aren't i?
anyway though, yv is definitely not interested in opening up so i'm probably not going to try so hard. i feel like there is no need to try so hard to kill the time and convince one of who i am. i mean yes i should because in the end it will pay off but i know that god will steer me in the right direction which in this case he is telling me that i should just stop trying and let him do his duty so that it could save me from heartache and pain. i just have to trust him. :'( okay, so i will trust him. lol after the clock strikes midnight and the new year has come. i will let go of all of my hearts content and listen to my head because my head knows what god wants me to do. i may sound so silly right now but this is how i get through these tough times. at least now it is how i do it because i feel like there's no one who completely knows what is on my mind, no matter how hard or detailed i try to explain my feelings, no one can understand what i'm feeling more than god. :'( i want to cry sooo badly. but as much as my heart is pouring out in tears my eyes will not reveal those weary tears. hehehe i must stay strong and stay distracted! FIGHTING!
No comments:
Post a Comment