synopsis of my life recently

being with this guy has completely turned my life into a roller coaster. i am so unhappy living this way. when he wants to see me happy he'll try but golly it's always about him. when im the vulnerable one he turns it around making me feel selfish for being emotional and yet when the shoes are switched and he's vulnerable i drop everything to comfort  him. why is it so hard for him to do that for me....i feel like i'm doing everything that he's telling me to do and yet he still is so unhappy. i giggle when i think about my relationship because honestly the way he treats me now is exactly how i used to treat choua. i was so self centered and i always made it about me but thats because when it was me and choua i was the one who expressed my feelings and he was the one who concealed his. and now with ger im the one concealing my emotions and he's the one expressing them. gosh its hard having to be the one to put my feelings aside to reassure his and it's selfish of me to say it this way but im human too and i have feelings too and i too would like to be comforted. with ger being gone i dont even feel like i miss him or that i wish he was here. a part of me does but the part of me that resents him is so much more heated that if he were here i wouldn't care and if he were i wouldn't care. i really dont care at all. i'm so tired of the life i have with him. the life of not knowing where and what i'm going to do. the life of suffering and the life of being broke, the life of him stealing money from  me all the time and ugh i can't stand it anymore. i need to leave. i want to leave. i dont want to be with him anymore. i dont want to be with someone who can steal from me so easily. who can put his needs in front of mines. who can just so easily hurt me and pretend that i'm not hurting. i can't be with someone who can't punish  himself for hurting me because i know that if i hurt him i wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

so what do i want to do?

i want to leave ger. i missed him so much before when he was gone the first time because i thought that maybe when he came back we could fix all our problems and that he would change his bad habits and be a better person. but no he went straight back to being the same person he was before and i can't be with someone like that. i can't do it. i can't be someone who can be so selfish to only think about himself and keep guilting me into doing things for him. i dont mind doing things for him but its the fact that he manipulates me into choosing him over everything, myself, my needs, my wants, everything basically. gosh i can't stand his selfishness! so in conclusion. I am going to leave ger.

what about him?



i will continue to help him get his life back on track because i want that for him and just because i'm not in a relationship with him doesn't mean i dont want the best for him i still do. i want him to have everything he wants and i will do my best to help him but i am not going to play that girlfriend role anymore!

and myself?


i need to figure myself out. get back on track with school and get back on track with a stable job. i need to fix my car and get insurance for it and find a way to clean up all the debt that ger racked up on my accounts. sighs. its my fault i let him do this and its my fault i let him manipulate me into doing all this i'm so disappointed in myself for letting someone drive me to all this drama.

something i'll want to look at one day

CFY:i know that you aren't in particularly trying to make me feel worth less but youre not making me feel or see that when you say things you only care. and i'm telling you this so that if you really did care you would take the time to think twice about the way you word what you say to me because that way i'll really see that you say things not out of your own selfishness but because you are actually thinking about me. dont get irritated either because i'm saying this. i'm telling you so that later you don't say "i do care about you, you just dont see" i know you care but what i'm saying is that you show in a way that i will understand it. because even though the way you've been showing me shows me you care, i don't understand it. just try speaking my language please.

my mom and my sister would always say in hmong of course "don't come running back to me when you fail because i already told you so" which only makes me already feel worthless because i'm my moms daughter and my sister's sister and theoretically no matter how many times i fail or get hurt, they should be the first ones to open their arms and welcome me but no before i even fail they are already shutting me out. so how do you think i feel. and in terms of my brother, i'll ask him something like "please talk to so and so for me" and he'll just say "eh, its not worth it, it wont make a difference" they already doubt me before i ask them for anything, they already say no before i finish my sentence they already resent what i would be asking them to do. so of course i'm going to continue going against them. its not that i'm purposely trying to fail but i'm trying to get them to see that i'm going against them so that they will learn to just be there for me no matter what. because right now and for a very long time, with you even, i know that you guys won't be here for me after i fail, so i continue to do things to fail so that one day you might realize that i know i fail and i continue to do it so that you'll just realize that all i really wanted was for you to say that you'll be here with me no matter how much shit i get myself into and no matter how many times i fall or no matter how many times i let myself get treated badly, you'll still be here to protect me. if you just thought harder about being in my shoes and how i feel you'd understand. that's what i mean when i say you guys dont get it. because i do get it. you say for me not to do things so that you don't have to deal with me when i fail. and that's where it hurts me most is because its such a chore for you guys having me in your life because you feel like i get myself into so much trouble and into so much shit that you feel like you have to cleanup my mess and so you scold me continuously so that you don't have to clean up anymore of my mess, right?

the only reason why i don't listen to you or my mom or sister or brother when they say not to do something is because i can't see the love in their words. i only see them seeing themselves. i dont see them seeing me. it may sound selfish but its only reality.

like my mom complains about how her friends would say to her why does she let me do this and that, and then she comes to me complaining because i make her look bad. i tried doing it her way, and though it made her happy, it makes me very unhappy. she just needs to understand that i would more things to please her if she would just protect me instead of expect me to change to please her friends.

i changed for you. i stopped being bitchy. i stopped being clingy. i put my pride so low for you and for my family. i let myself believe that it was love but when i finally received that love, i finally realized how sad a routine i was living. i was living in your shadow, in my families shadow. i let myself believe that i was truly happy by shutting myself out. shutting my needs into an empty box and locking it away. but when someone forced those feelings out of me and someone unlocked that box, i finally realized how much i was missing. how empty my life truly was. how much love i wasn't receiving compared to how much i deserved. i used to think that i was the one that needed to change and when i finally did change to please you and my family, i completely lost love for myself. i thought that as long as you guys loved me it was enough but now i realize that because i didn't love myself you guys didn't love me. you thought that it was ok not to love me so you didn't even care to try loving me so instead you put me down. and its not me who youre afraid to lose. its what i do for you guys are afraid to lose. because like i said before, if you really cared about me, you wouldn't feel like youre going out of your way to save me, you wouldn't feel like its sooo burdensome to be in my life, you wouldn't feel like it's such a reckless job to be there for me. you wouldn't say "i can't promise to always be there for you because i can't". i'm smart, i know how to think too. i won't expect you to always be there for me because you don't do that to me. you dont even feel comfortable coming to me for comfort so why should i come to you. if anything i should only go to the ones who trust me because they're the ones who will actually care. but you already don't trust me with your feelings so why should i trust you with mines.

stat:why do i continue to disobey you and go against your words? because before i even fail you already have your mind set on my failure and you're already thinking "don't come running back to me because i told you so". i'm only going against you because i already know that i dont matter to you. what you're worried about is having to clean up the mess i get myself into, you're not worried about me, you're worried about yourself. that's why you say "if i don't see it, i don't care, if it's not under my roof, go ahead and do it but if it'd under my roof then of course i'll have a problem with it". it proves that you're not telling me to do things because you care about me because you don't care about me, you only care about yourself. that's why you scrutinize me so much! — feeling alone.

stat:where were you when i needed someone to dry my tears? where were you when i was falling to pieces and no one one was there to help me pick up the pieces? youre so quick to believe what other people are saying and what you wanna believe that you completely shut out what i have to say. you dont know what goes on in my life more than me, how could you? you dont live for me i do, stop pretending you care because if you did, you wouldn't have let your imagination go so far as to create a monster out of the one person who actually cares about me and doesn't just pity me.

stat:i used to think that my family would always be here for me even in bad times but i walk past them every single day breaking down inside and i'm just screaming for them to listen to me but all they can see is what they want to see, and they just want me to tell them what they want to hear, theyre not even opening their eyes to see how much i'm hurting or their ears to hear about how much their words are killing me. even when tears are rolling down my cheeks they still continue to think theyre in the right and that i'm stupid. just look at yourself, if you really considered me your sister, i wouldn't even need to ask...you should just know...apparently i'm not your sister because even after beggin you for help, your only excuse is "eh, it's not worth it"

tif: fine i know they love me but they are very very selfish who only think about how they feel and they forget to remember that i have feelings and that my feelings do get hurt even if its not in front of them. and despite that, even when i'm balling my eyes out, they still continue to scold me and yell at me and tell me i'm stupid and insiginificant. i can say one thing for sure. it reallys shows that my dad is not around because i guarantee that if he were around my siblings and my mom would be very very different. and my mom wouldn't act like queen of the world or as if she were the shi* because she'd realize that saying things in front or behind their back is still considered disrespect and yet they all go around talking about respect this and that yet they go yapping their mouths like they're the only people who matter in the world. well they obviously have not suffered enough because they forget to realize that we are very fortunate even though we are not rich but we are so very fortunate to have what we have and yet they still go around looking down on those who don't have as much as we do. i'm so embarrassed for myself because i can't even get them to open their eyes to appreciate what we have and just give. all they care about is money and materialistic things. they forget to appreciate all the other things that don't have physicalities

drama in my life

gosh i can't stand drama and i can't stand triangles.but why am i feeling like that's whats going on in my life. but in the last few days i've definitely learned a lot. i know clearly what kind of person i would like to be with. but i know i won't change anyone because if i really loved someone i would never ask them to change and that's why i'm walking away from this relationship versus asking him to change. it's not fair to him and i respect him too much to just string him along for nothing. i love myself too much to stay in a relationship where all my needs are not met. again, i refuse to make someone change for me. but i guess i can understand that if he really loved me he would change for me. but that's really selfish of me to ask of him.

he asked me if it hurts me as much as it hurts him that i do not txt him back or call him back. i don't know how much it hurts him but i know that my heart jumps a little bit whenever his name pops up on my phone. and i die a little more inside knowing that i can't or dont want to reply. it hurts me knowing that i'm inflicting so much pain on him but i'd rather he hurt from us not being together now than hurt later if i end up cheating on him. as much as i would hate to admit it, i really think that i'm not the type of person who commits to relationships very long. i will definitely commit to him but only for so long until i find flaws. for me every little flaw makes me leave. i hate that about myself but i have come to realize that. but over the years, i have also learned to accept some flaws. i know exactly which one particular flaw is my deal breaker. if a man does not respect my body and my boundaries, he is not the one for me. if i make it clear to him how much i hate something and he does not respect that, he obviously does not need to be my man. i don't want a man in my life. but my heart definitely yearns for that companionship.  i can't help but sit here and think and linger my thoughts. i just wanna cry and sit in a corner for a few minutes. i wish i could do it for days but i know i'll get bored and i'll forget the feeling so there's no need to waste days on it if i could feel the same in a few minutes.

honestly though, if he wanted us to be us so badly then why doesn't he fight for my love back. yes i love him but i am not willing to go back. someone once told me "at least respect me enough to let me know if you start having feelings for another man so that i can have a fighting chance of winning you back before you completely leave". so why doesn't he do that. i am completely honest with him. is another man in my life beginning to win over me? honestly yes. but i haven't given in and i'm not letting him to my heart until i know the time is right.  because i befriend another guy and get to know him does not necessarily mean i'm not secretly hoping that youll fight for me. as selfish as it seems i don't need you to prove to your friends how much you love me, i just need you to prove it to me. your words can only tell me so much. your actions speak louder though. what you do says more about your love than what you say. i can tell anyone that i'm in love with them but if my actions show that i hate them, then which one are you going to believe? my actions or my words?

there's just a lot on my mind i guess. it's been so long since my heart wanted to jump out of my heart and stab itself. i remember this feeling like it was yesterday. a few years ago i felt this way. i was both afraid and felt like shooting myself because there are consequences for everything. the consequences of having a relationship is dealing with it when there's a break up! gosh i hate it! anyway, what do you think? do you think that it's selfish to ask your man to fight for you love if you've started to like someone else? or are you not even worthy anymore because you shouldn't be having feelings for another man while you're still in a relationship. we aren't together but i guess to him its not over yet. i dont know! i so badly want this to stop. so the lesson here is, as cliche as it may sound, be with someone who respects you and who you respect!