gosh i can't stand drama and i can't stand triangles.but why am i feeling like that's whats going on in my life. but in the last few days i've definitely learned a lot. i know clearly what kind of person i would like to be with. but i know i won't change anyone because if i really loved someone i would never ask them to change and that's why i'm walking away from this relationship versus asking him to change. it's not fair to him and i respect him too much to just string him along for nothing. i love myself too much to stay in a relationship where all my needs are not met. again, i refuse to make someone change for me. but i guess i can understand that if he really loved me he would change for me. but that's really selfish of me to ask of him.
he asked me if it hurts me as much as it hurts him that i do not txt him back or call him back. i don't know how much it hurts him but i know that my heart jumps a little bit whenever his name pops up on my phone. and i die a little more inside knowing that i can't or dont want to reply. it hurts me knowing that i'm inflicting so much pain on him but i'd rather he hurt from us not being together now than hurt later if i end up cheating on him. as much as i would hate to admit it, i really think that i'm not the type of person who commits to relationships very long. i will definitely commit to him but only for so long until i find flaws. for me every little flaw makes me leave. i hate that about myself but i have come to realize that. but over the years, i have also learned to accept some flaws. i know exactly which one particular flaw is my deal breaker. if a man does not respect my body and my boundaries, he is not the one for me. if i make it clear to him how much i hate something and he does not respect that, he obviously does not need to be my man. i don't want a man in my life. but my heart definitely yearns for that companionship. i can't help but sit here and think and linger my thoughts. i just wanna cry and sit in a corner for a few minutes. i wish i could do it for days but i know i'll get bored and i'll forget the feeling so there's no need to waste days on it if i could feel the same in a few minutes.
honestly though, if he wanted us to be us so badly then why doesn't he fight for my love back. yes i love him but i am not willing to go back. someone once told me "at least respect me enough to let me know if you start having feelings for another man so that i can have a fighting chance of winning you back before you completely leave". so why doesn't he do that. i am completely honest with him. is another man in my life beginning to win over me? honestly yes. but i haven't given in and i'm not letting him to my heart until i know the time is right. because i befriend another guy and get to know him does not necessarily mean i'm not secretly hoping that youll fight for me. as selfish as it seems i don't need you to prove to your friends how much you love me, i just need you to prove it to me. your words can only tell me so much. your actions speak louder though. what you do says more about your love than what you say. i can tell anyone that i'm in love with them but if my actions show that i hate them, then which one are you going to believe? my actions or my words?
there's just a lot on my mind i guess. it's been so long since my heart wanted to jump out of my heart and stab itself. i remember this feeling like it was yesterday. a few years ago i felt this way. i was both afraid and felt like shooting myself because there are consequences for everything. the consequences of having a relationship is dealing with it when there's a break up! gosh i hate it! anyway, what do you think? do you think that it's selfish to ask your man to fight for you love if you've started to like someone else? or are you not even worthy anymore because you shouldn't be having feelings for another man while you're still in a relationship. we aren't together but i guess to him its not over yet. i dont know! i so badly want this to stop. so the lesson here is, as cliche as it may sound, be with someone who respects you and who you respect!
