being with this guy has completely turned my life into a roller coaster. i am so unhappy living this way. when he wants to see me happy he'll try but golly it's always about him. when im the vulnerable one he turns it around making me feel selfish for being emotional and yet when the shoes are switched and he's vulnerable i drop everything to comfort him. why is it so hard for him to do that for me....i feel like i'm doing everything that he's telling me to do and yet he still is so unhappy. i giggle when i think about my relationship because honestly the way he treats me now is exactly how i used to treat choua. i was so self centered and i always made it about me but thats because when it was me and choua i was the one who expressed my feelings and he was the one who concealed his. and now with ger im the one concealing my emotions and he's the one expressing them. gosh its hard having to be the one to put my feelings aside to reassure his and it's selfish of me to say it this way but im human too and i have feelings too and i too would like to be comforted. with ger being gone i dont even feel like i miss him or that i wish he was here. a part of me does but the part of me that resents him is so much more heated that if he were here i wouldn't care and if he were i wouldn't care. i really dont care at all. i'm so tired of the life i have with him. the life of not knowing where and what i'm going to do. the life of suffering and the life of being broke, the life of him stealing money from me all the time and ugh i can't stand it anymore. i need to leave. i want to leave. i dont want to be with him anymore. i dont want to be with someone who can steal from me so easily. who can put his needs in front of mines. who can just so easily hurt me and pretend that i'm not hurting. i can't be with someone who can't punish himself for hurting me because i know that if i hurt him i wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
so what do i want to do?
i want to leave ger. i missed him so much before when he was gone the first time because i thought that maybe when he came back we could fix all our problems and that he would change his bad habits and be a better person. but no he went straight back to being the same person he was before and i can't be with someone like that. i can't do it. i can't be someone who can be so selfish to only think about himself and keep guilting me into doing things for him. i dont mind doing things for him but its the fact that he manipulates me into choosing him over everything, myself, my needs, my wants, everything basically. gosh i can't stand his selfishness! so in conclusion. I am going to leave ger.
what about him?
i will continue to help him get his life back on track because i want that for him and just because i'm not in a relationship with him doesn't mean i dont want the best for him i still do. i want him to have everything he wants and i will do my best to help him but i am not going to play that girlfriend role anymore!
and myself?
i need to figure myself out. get back on track with school and get back on track with a stable job. i need to fix my car and get insurance for it and find a way to clean up all the debt that ger racked up on my accounts. sighs. its my fault i let him do this and its my fault i let him manipulate me into doing all this i'm so disappointed in myself for letting someone drive me to all this drama.
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